Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
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Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
I feel attacked.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.