[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
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Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
hey, alexa
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.