You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
You Might Also Like
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I’m aging like a fine banana
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
それは草
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.