You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
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Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
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I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
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[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work