Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
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I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.