Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
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I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
How times have changed.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.