According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
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A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”