The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
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I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.