accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
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I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
notice
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.