Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
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Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Someone just threatened to call me later
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing