Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
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I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
A leaf blower, but for people.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️