I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
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dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.