I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
rise and shine we got egg
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife