I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
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What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Bobby pin
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?