The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
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Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal