Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
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If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.