Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
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Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
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not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
“A little help here, Danny?”
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Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.