Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
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that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!
Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
you have three unread messages
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Beauty and the Beast
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery