Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
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my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.