@SondraDeeMe My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
@dsmitty_62 Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
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@SondraDeeMe 
@DirtMcTurd I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
@ceejoyner Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
@JasonNotEvil I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
@QwertyJones3 Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
@thenoahkinsey Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
@FlyJ_ *Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
@brennadine One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
@markydoodoo I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
@UnFitz “How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny