Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

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My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.


I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes


Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.


I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best


Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.


Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.


*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*


I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.


“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny