When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
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Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
a god among men
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
How to keep the seat next to you empty.