Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
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I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.