I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
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I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust