Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
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[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.