Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
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What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within