[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
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I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
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ʸ
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‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”