If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
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It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.