EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
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My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
3% human
97% stress
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.