A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
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It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
#dalle2
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.