Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
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I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
😂 amazing answer
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ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
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Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.