Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
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Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”