[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
You Might Also Like
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?