Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
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Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did