This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
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It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
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I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
subtitles are so good nowadays
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.