Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
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“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies