70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
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ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Never be a pizza!
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask