I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
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Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
looks legit
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.