once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
You Might Also Like
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce