@TheCiscoKidder

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

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@ambamthankyamam

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

@EndhooS

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

@hyperblastchic

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

@13spencer

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

@quikkim

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

@SvnSxty

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

@SondraDeeMe

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

@WilliamAder

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

@Hurly_Burly

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.