@ambamthankyamam Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
@TheCiscoKidder Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
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@ambamthankyamam 
@EndhooS Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
@hyperblastchic Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
@13spencer To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
@quikkim *Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
@ChicksRule So, can we agree on 4 or
@SvnSxty Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
@SondraDeeMe Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
@WilliamAder Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
@Hurly_Burly Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.