Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
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We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
hmmm