Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
You Might Also Like
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people