when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
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remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
concern
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
just left a huge legacy in there
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
absolute chaos
nice challenge
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.