They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
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I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Thursday
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
All excellent questions
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
had to share :’)
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.