Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
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Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?