[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
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A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?