You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
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I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
figuring out my emotional availability:
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there