Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
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Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Stop it! 😂
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Matt Goss
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.