Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet