Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
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I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Ken is short for chicken
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
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Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids