Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
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Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
suspect: i confess.