Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
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4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
My dad.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person