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Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location