“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
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Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn鈥檛 know how to turn off a lamp, I鈥檓 not so sure about this.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we鈥檙e MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that鈥檚 already cooked?
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I鈥檓 a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
there are few problems in life that can鈥檛 be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 馃幁
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that鈥檚 not how this works
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they鈥檒l suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.