Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
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My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.