Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
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If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
moms in horror movies
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.