one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
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Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.