Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
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The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
also my go-to takeaway order
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”