If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.